meanderings of a restless wanderer

This week I got a text message saying that one of my friends from High School had died suddenly from an apparent heart attack.  We now know it was a blood clot…a blood clot killed a 29 year old girl who was healthy and happy.

I know that death is inevitable.  I don’t fear it.  I don’t worry about it.  I don’t really even think about it…until something like this happens.  I am a firm believer in the realities of Heaven and hell and my own eternal security…but all that means nothing when you are the ones left behind.

It probably wouldn’t be as odd a feeling if she was 90 or something, but she was 29.  I mean I can remember when my grandfather died…it was sad and difficult…but he was older…it made sense. The experience changes though when its someone your own age…it makes it…well, it makes it difficult to accept and at the same time forcing you to take a look at your life.

The first time I lost a friend my own age is when my buddy Chris died of cancer in High School.  I had just become a Christian and I was so angry at God because for the life of me I could not understand why he would allow something like that to happen…in some ways I still don’t understand.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I know the theological argument of a fallen world…but that doesn’t make it any easier, if anything it makes it more difficult because sometimes that answer sounds so cold hearted and distant that you can’t even believe the thought when it enters your head.

Then there was Matt.  I was at a camp in Michigan when I got the call that Matt went into a coma.  We had just graduated Bible College…I had been his RA…He was on a few of the teams I led for church planting…and he got me into Christian death metal (an oxymorone I know).  Apparently Matt had diabeties and no one knew.  So his pancreas shut down and soon after the rest of his body followed.  Matt was getting ready to be apart of a church plant in the Pacific Northwest…but all that ended. I remember getting that call and walking into the woods and crying.  Crying for my friend, crying for his family, crying for all of those that knew and loved him.  I knew in my head that he was better off…but inside my heart ached…and again I questioned God as to why.

In some ways we are pretty selfish when it comes to death.  Because we have to pick up the pieces…we have to struggle with the questions…we have to face the emptiness that we now feel and in the process we experience all those stupid levels of grief…and we end up missing the celebration that actually is life.

Death should not be what causes us to open our eyes to life.  Look around you.  The sun in the sky, the breeze against your face.  Look at your friends, your spouse, your children.  Look at the waves crashing against the shore and the birds that fly through the air.  Look at those simple pleasures around you everyday and open your eyes to life…understanding that there is a time for everything and realizing that our time is limited.

My prayer, if I can steal a quote from 30 Rock, is to “live every day like it was shark week”.

Our time is limited so why not experience it to the fullest and trust God to leave a lasting legacy after we’ve  gone?  I’m 29 - and I have a very long list of things that I want to do before I die.  Will I get to them all…probably not…but what matters most is that I love God and love people and open my eyes to the simple pleasures, wonders and love that surrounds me everyday.

Cindy Vega will be missed terribly.  Chris O’Leary is missed terribly.  Matt Bellows is missed terribly.  And the list can go on and on…

What I know is this - In the depths of despair and confusion, God does some of His most profound and beautiful work in us.

Until next time.

I am currently in Maryland, and outside my window I watch as fireflies dance in mid air.  I remember the first time I saw fireflies was on Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland - of course those were just small lights attached to wires in a darkened space.  But these fireflies are real - excitedly flying through the thick humid air of a summers evening.

I can remember as a kid being fascinated with these little lightning bugs, always wishing I could see a real one.  Here tonight I see hundreds filling my vision with a symphony of random fireworks.

Why am I so amazed at such a small creature?  I don’t know really.  Maybe I am just captivated at Gods wonder in something so small and complex.  Maybe it goes back to my childhood - always wondering what it would be like to catch one of these creative bugs.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just a little jealous of them soaring to and fro enjoying the freedom that God has created for them.

I feel like we have aged many years these past 4 months as we have gone through so many ups and downs. But good as always comes from difficulty - the thirst and wonder we once had is returning and above all else we are dreaming again and let me tell you it is so good to dream again.

I am finding that freedom once again to fly to and fro with only trust in God and dreams to guide me.  As night falls and the fireflies conclude their symphony I know that tomorrow evening they will be back reminding me to fly free- uninhibited - unashamed…in the freedom and creativity that God has given me.

Until Next time…and Dreaming Big…

Today I got to sit at my father in laws place and look out at this…

very relaxing indeed.

I am sitting in awe of God’s wonder right now.  Outside my window a beautiful thunderstorm rages.  Inside we are safe and dry as we watch in amazement and listen with expectation.  With each flash we see a picture.  With each flash the world is illuminated.  I am relaxed for the first time in months and it I think it might be because of how small I feel right now.  When a storm rages and you are caught in the middle you come to an understanding of how vulnerable you really are…for some that vulnerability causes fear…for me it causes trust.

So tonight I sit and watch from the safe haven of my shelter and I rest in the wonder that can not be explained.

It’s Sunday…I want to blog but I have so many thoughts in my head that I am not sure how to focus on just one.  So I decided I would share the randomness that exists in my head.  Without any fan-fair  i give you my random thoughts for today.

1. It’s hot!

2. My baby is funny.

3. My wife is awesome.

4. I love my church family.

5. Jenny Platt is a saint.

6. I am sad that we missed Jamie’s wedding.

7. How does Rick Myssee not know the song “Reunited”?

8. Walt Disney is a genius.

9. I want a hot dog and some papya juice.

10. I hope Tim is ok in Vietnam this week.

11. Why do people with crappy cars act lke their car is da bomb. (that’s right, I’m bringing it back people)

12. I can’t wait for Indiana Jones.

13. I need a vacation.

14. I forgot how much I like Guns N Roses.

15. That fondue with the Twals was rad. (yup, I’m bringing that back too)

16. LA is expensive.

17. I wish I were a fish.

18. Jaws is the scariest movie…ever.

19. Who thought of fried pickles?

20. I wonder how Matt Neal is doing.

21. God is so good.

22. I think I should go watch some FRIENDS.

Well, that is what currently resides in my noggin, and on that note I am going to go watch the one with 5 steaks and an eggplant.

With a heavy heart I respond today. I am officially moving to Ireland - the magical green isle - where teenage girls no longer run popular culture or the popular vote.

Good bye and Godspeed people of America. I shall miss you.

Irish Idol here I come!

Happy Earth Day everyone!  It doesn’t  matter if your a democrat, republican, independent or libertarian - We should all be able to celebrate and take care of the things God gave us.  So go hug a tree or better yet go plant one and enjoy God’s good graces.

Every once in a while I will watch a film that moves me…that truly makes me ponder my life and the world that surrounds me. Sometimes it is because of the sheer poetry of the film, other times it is because of the simple truths that it presents, while still others because it taps into a part of my soul that I had forgotten existed. As I watched “Into the Wild” my soul was stirred by all three of those things.

As I watched the story of this young man unfold before me like some story from Thoreau - I couldn’t help but be conflicted. On the one hand it was a journey that Christopher McCandless had to take. One of self discovery, one of growing up and being the very person his soul craved to be. On the other hand many of his actions were selfish…which ultimately he realized.

Now, maybe it’s because I never had a tree house when I was a kid…or maybe I didn’t go camping enough - but to be honest I am a little jealous of Christopher McCandless. For two years he lived an adventure that many of us wish we could live. Soaking up the freedom that surrounded him as he experienced a life that was separated from the things that cause so much pain and stress to the majority of us.

I’m a nature guy. I crave to be in it. I feel God speaks and shows His mystery through it. There is something wild about our making…that I believe causes our souls to cry out for adventure. As we grow up we push it down - trying to ignore it - calling it childish - foolish even…and still deep within, it beckons us to live in dangerous wonder…because He calls us to live in dangerous wonder.

As I continue on in this journey - I see the adventure that it is. I don’t want to stand in the shallows, I want to dive into the heart of the raging river. I want to gasp for breath as I let myself go in His divine story - breaking free from all of those things that entangle…as I am swept away in the great mystery that I am apart of…and what makes it even more exhilarating is that I know I am not alone.

As time continues in its inevitability may my soul continue to hear the call of the wild - and may I always have the courage and trust to allow Him to sweep me away in the greatest of adventures.

Until next time…